Becoming Real

I hadn't really thought a whole lot about it until I decided to blog again but I've had separate identities for close to a decade now. There's the me that the people on this side of the monitor know and of course the person that the people on your side of the screen are more familiar with. The two really are not so different. I have a fairly strong personality and it translates accurately. People are just as confused here as you are there. I am a very multifaceted person, I've dealt with a lot, and I have the spirit of an artist. How could I not be a little... eclectic?

Even so, there is the Kij0 persona which has overtaken Laurel for all intents and purposes. There is also the old Rhode Island life that involved many of the people I grew up with as well as the ex (the Laurel). There is the  life that happened after I walked away from all of that (the Kij0). Then there is the now. But up until now I've not really mixed Kij0/Laurel too much. I may seem to be very free and open about a lot of my life but I hold a whole lot back and I am much more private than most think. I am not a picture person, have not been since I was a teeny bopper. I just don't care for my image everywhere so that's one thing that is constant between the two personas. No flashy stuff.

When I chose to venture into painting and started kicking around the idea of going "pro" it occurred to me one of the failings that would be inevitable. I would have to merge the two. Somehow to me it feels like I'm showing my panties. I can't really hide behind one or the other, I have to own my own works. Things I've written, drawn, created, and been involved in are vital in my overall body of work and in proving to myself I deserve the title "Artist". I cringe when I reread things I've written more often than not. Again with the panty flashing. It's worse than an accidental camel toe, seriously.

Social networking is lovely for linking everything together and automating your life. Birthday reminders, intimate detail updates, and mixing every person you've ever known in one feed. Sort of like walking into a room of people and realizing you've slept with all of them, and they aren't all the opposite sex. Not that I've ever had such a thing happen to me....

So all this flaunting and shameless socializing is playing with my brain. There's that other alias to consider. The seizure side. The sick side. The side that should be stuffed in the closet but instead trapped me in there. The "real" me. It took me a long time to find out I was epileptic, longer still to accept that diagnosis. I spent almost a year hiding it and my ears still burn and my cheeks flush when I say it out loud or in public. It is the one thing that truly can be blamed for a great many unwanted changes in my life. Some people call them excuses, but something about a debilitating disorder really changes you. It teaches you genuine fear, humiliation, mortality, and vulnerability. When it hits you that your body controls YOU not vice versa it's earth shattering.

No matter how much it has crippled me physically, mentally, emotionally some small part of me refuses to give in. I am not ready to accept that I am disabled or incapable of finding some way. I've pulled myself out of the mud when it was ear deep. More than once. I've moved across states, changed my entire life at least four times. Changed job fields at least three times, and even had another baby. I've fought the odds a long time and won. So now comes the mother of life altering events. Merging all the fragments into one working plan that allows me to continue feeling like a contributing member of society. I just simply have to change all of my current ways, learn and implement new and better habits, and be really annoyingly... social. Ugh.

I'll do it. Watch me. :D