Marekting... My Way.

How's that for you're eyegasmic enjoyment? Look at those neatly stocked shelves that make you feel insecure about the orderliness of your own food cupboards. The glaring light over the refrigerated section sometimes even with the one faulty bulb that just flicks on and off with that gentle humming that makes me want to roll around on the floor spastic with seizures. Don't you just want to inhale the sweet smell of paper bags and pet extermination chemicals? Listen to the rhapsody of a squeaking shopping cart wheel as it plays gently on your eardrum? Doesn't this make you want to leap out of your chair, throw on your shoes and run to your nearest grocery store??  If so I suggest rigorous therapy for a very long period of time.  

Running packages to the post office, paying bills, grocery shopping, checking the mail, and walking the dog are errands. That's right… work, things we do because we have to, not because we are simply dying to. The most exciting part of town runs are getting crispy chicken wrap at Wendy's. Some highlight that is considering that the entirety of my going out to eat budget is $1 plus tax and no fries or drinks either. This does not in my mind constitute going out. There is nothing memorable and lasting even more seldom is the random 'lesson learned' while out on these trips in which we writers so relish blogging about.

This is exactly the sort of thing that has me carving twisted sculptures in the snow. After so long when the only out of the house activity is errand running you start to look for other ways to amuse yourself. I find myself eyeing the shopping cart of the victim sharing the aisle with me.

I stand there studying a box of cereal looking completely enthralled in its dietary information all the while watching her pick something up off the shelf and mindlessly drop it into the basket of the carriage positioned 'just so' beside her. She leans down to inspect the size difference between this week's sale beef stew and the name brand. I take a stealthy step to the left and quietly push her cart gently forward just out of hands reach and jump back to my original position swapping out my Raisin Bran for a sexy looking box of Fruit loops. She reaches mindlessly and drops her carefully selected can of beef stew directly onto the floor.

I honestly couldn't tell you how much fat or carbs are in any of the cereals but I can tell you it is possible to get away with this up to four times before your fellow shopper begins to wonder how his/her cart seems to roll away with a life of its own.

I do so enjoy the shelving units that are simply stocked on either side and with minimal rearranging you can reach the hind side of the shopper in the next aisle's selections. I've held the boxes and made them tug to get it from their end, staring at it flipping it upside-down trying to work out why it wouldn't come off the shelf. I've also gently pushed things just far enough to teeter on the edge of the shelf so a passing shopper 'accidently' knocks it off. That never gets old, especially after an aisle or two they start to walk directly down an imaginary line in the dead center of the aisle.

Then of course there are always the *SBD  farts you can muster in the meat aisle and skip around the corner as an unsuspecting onsmeller happens upon the aisle. "Oh My God Martha can you smell that???!!!"  "Yes Beatrice I think something must have gone bad… maybe we better get the roast at Shaw's instead." All the while I am in the next aisle making funny half snort half unfing noises in my attempt to not laugh maniacally. This generally amuses me even more making it harder to look innocent enough to terrorize more shoppers. So I gather the remaining items on my list and mosey on over to the check out aisle.

Normally I am somewhat preoccupied in the checkout lane because they have magazines and recipe books and other things to rest my attention on. Now and again I've had a really boring week or already read all the latest gossip and headlines. In these moments I usually like to antagonize the stock people and put every little book upside down completely ordered mind you neat and in line as if untouched. I don't know if it amuses me more that it takes several days for stock people to notice this at times, or that I do it in plain sight and nobody ever seems to catch on to what I'm doing.

These are but small examples of the havoc I wreak on the public at large when I am insufferably bored. Thusly I plead with my significant other to take me out, not on errands for  fucks sake, OUT to a restaurant or social event where I may interact normally with other bipeds. A little mental stimulation would allow me other things to think on aside from terrorizing the denizens of this demesne.

The moral to this story is never tell your wife, lover, or any manner of significant other that going to run the weekly errands is considered a valid day/evening out or an activity that is enjoyable. Learn the difference or risk shopping alongside people like me, or subjecting your beloved to the boredom that inspires these events.

P.S. Thank you Martha and Beatrice that roast was lovely!

*Silent But Deadly