Where do we go from here?

One of the things I discovered about myself recently is that I am a purpose driven person. If I am chasing something I will stop at nothing, until I have gotten what I set out for. Unfortunately there is a downside. Without a purpose to chase I'm a lost cause. Not any old thing sets that fire inside me either. So a simple objective like "live a happy life" is not enough. I have to really want something and believe it should be mine.

So what do I want then? Well I left the ex, changed my life, got my kids back. That was years of grueling tooth and nail fighting but I won. I took a good long rest after that and for some time I was just at a loss. There is always hope of higher education and I've always had business ambition but seldom is it paired with direction. I have the things I thought would make monumental changes in my life and for all intents and purposes they have. So it all comes down to what? You guessed it, money.

It is insanely hard to get a non fast food job where I live. There's lots of doors of opportunity they're just shut and locked especially to a newcomer. I've struggled for a long time with the possibility of applying for disability.
I know the odds are very good that I can get it, I'm by all accounts damaged enough. But I'm a victim of my own mind and in my head it translates, weak and useless. It's a step above welfare but not an honorable one to my thinking. That would mean I'd have to admit of all my skill sets and experience I can use none of it for any length of time to earn a living. I don't want to be so broken, I feel I'm still young. Simple fact; I can not last 40 hours in any work setting without needing two days of recuperation. So starting the disability process is on the list of important things to do.

But that's not enough to keep my mind busy. Without purpose I'm just an emotional windbag wishing I was moving forward and feeling like I'm sitting still. Painting has been very therapeutic for me, barring of course the battle with the 3 year old to paint and keep my supplies. Like any other human I want to be special, I want there to be something I do that people love and appreciate. So I thought why not try and take painting to the next level.

Slowly but surely I am building up my works, showing it to a small audience via Facebook to get a little feedback. But I will really need to reach the masses to push my 'product' sooner or later. So I have plans for a solid business plan, some research for funding and supplies, and I am gradually putting together the various public outlets that will be needed. Deviantart, an art blog, and of course a website. I have to get those things off the ground in addition to painting to make it happen. But at least I have a dream. I have something to keep working towards. Lets now see if I can fit it within a realistic timeline, the year I've given myself to get my crap together. All of which requires me getting a printer scanner hooked up. I've been begging the other half for some time now but he's not decided I need it yet. Here's hoping.